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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
Strings
Kids
Parks
Kite
Ends
Flying
Kites
Really
Excited
String
Would
Supposed
Park
Saws
Chair
Humor
Chairs
Went
Impressed
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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
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Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
Mitch Hedberg
