Quote

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Chairs
Went
Impressed
Funny
Strings
Kids
Parks
Kite
Ends
Flying
Kites
Really
Excited
String
Would
Supposed
Park
Saws
Chair

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
Mitch Hedberg