Quote

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Really
Excited
String
Would
Supposed
Park
Saws
Chair
Humor
Chairs
Went
Impressed
Funny
Strings
Kids
Parks
Kite
Ends
Flying
Kites

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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
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Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
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As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
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Then let's print up some flyers!
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