Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
BebasNeueRegular
Arial
Helvetica Neue
Courier New
Times New Roman
Comic Sans MS
Verdana
Impact
ABeeZee
Abel
Abhaya Libre
Abril Fatface
Aclonica
Acme
Actor
Adamina
Advent Pro
Aguafina Script
Akronim
Aladin
Alata
Alatsi
Aldrich
Alef
Alegreya
Alegreya Sans
Alegreya Sans SC
Alegreya SC
Aleo
Alex Brush
Alfa Slab One
Alice
Alike
Alike Angular
Allan
Allerta
Allerta Stencil
Allura
Almarai
Almendra
Almendra Display
Almendra SC
Amarante
Amaranth
Amatic SC
Amethysta
Amiko
Amiri
Amita
Anaheim
Andada
Andika
Angkor
Annie Use Your Telescope
Anonymous Pro
Antic
Antic Didone
Antic Slab
Anton
Arapey
Arbutus
Arbutus Slab
Architects Daughter
Archivo
Archivo Black
Archivo Narrow
Aref Ruqaa
Arima Madurai
Arimo
Arizonia
Armata
Arsenal
Artifika
Arvo
Arya
Asap
Asap Condensed
Asar
Asset
Assistant
Astloch
Asul
Athiti
Atma
Atomic Age
Aubrey
Audiowide
Autour One
Average
Average Sans
Averia Gruesa Libre
Averia Libre
Averia Sans Libre
Averia Serif Libre
B612
B612 Mono
Bad Script
Bahiana
Bahianita
Bai Jamjuree
Baloo
Baloo Bhai
Baloo Bhaijaan
Baloo Bhaina
Baloo Chettan
Baloo Da
Baloo Paaji
Baloo Tamma
Baloo Tammudu
Baloo Thambi
Balthazar
Bangers
Barlow
Barlow Condensed
Barlow Semi Condensed
Barriecito
Barrio
Basic
Baskervville
Battambang
Baumans
Bayon
Be Vietnam
Bebas Neue
Belgrano
Bellefair
Belleza
BenchNine
Bentham
Berkshire Swash
Beth Ellen
Bevan
Big Shoulders Display
Big Shoulders Text
Bigelow Rules
Bigshot One
Bilbo
Bilbo Swash Caps
BioRhyme
BioRhyme Expanded
Biryani
Bitter
Black And White Picture
Black Han Sans
Black Ops One
Blinker
Bokor
Bonbon
Boogaloo
Bowlby One
Bowlby One SC
Brawler
Bree Serif
Bubblegum Sans
Bubbler One
Buda
Buenard
Bungee
Bungee Hairline
Bungee Inline
Bungee Outline
Bungee Shade
Butcherman
Butterfly Kids
Cabin
Cabin Condensed
Cabin Sketch
Caesar Dressing
Cagliostro
Cairo
Calistoga
Calligraffitti
Cambay
Cambo
Candal
Cantarell
Cantata One
Cantora One
Capriola
Cardo
Carme
Carrois Gothic
Carrois Gothic SC
Carter One
Catamaran
Caudex
Caveat
Caveat Brush
Cedarville Cursive
Ceviche One
Chakra Petch
Changa
Changa One
Chango
Charm
Charmonman
Chathura
Chau Philomene One
Chela One
Chelsea Market
Chenla
Cherry Cream Soda
Cherry Swash
Chewy
Chicle
Chilanka
Chivo
Chonburi
Cinzel
Cinzel Decorative
Clicker Script
Coda
Coda Caption
Codystar
Coiny
Combo
Comfortaa
Coming Soon
Concert One
Condiment
Content
Contrail One
Convergence
Cookie
Copse
Corben
Cormorant
Cormorant Garamond
Cormorant Infant
Cormorant SC
Cormorant Unicase
Cormorant Upright
Courgette
Courier Prime
Cousine
Coustard
Covered By Your Grace
Crafty Girls
Creepster
Crete Round
Crimson Pro
Crimson Text
Croissant One
Crushed
Cuprum
Cute Font
Cutive
Cutive Mono
Damion
Dancing Script
Dangrek
Darker Grotesque
David Libre
Dawning of a New Day
Days One
Dekko
Delius
Delius Swash Caps
Delius Unicase
Della Respira
Denk One
Devonshire
Dhurjati
Didact Gothic
Diplomata
Diplomata SC
DM Sans
DM Serif Display
DM Serif Text
Do Hyeon
Dokdo
Domine
Donegal One
Doppio One
Dorsa
Dosis
Dr Sugiyama
Duru Sans
Dynalight
Eagle Lake
East Sea Dokdo
Eater
EB Garamond
Economica
Eczar
El Messiri
Electrolize
Elsie
Elsie Swash Caps
Emblema One
Emilys Candy
Encode Sans
Encode Sans Condensed
Encode Sans Expanded
Encode Sans Semi Condensed
Encode Sans Semi Expanded
Engagement
Englebert
Enriqueta
Erica One
Esteban
Euphoria Script
Ewert
Exo
Exo 2
Expletus Sans
Fahkwang
Fanwood Text
Farro
Farsan
Fascinate
Fascinate Inline
Faster One
Fasthand
Fauna One
Faustina
Federant
Federo
Felipa
Fenix
Finger Paint
Fira Code
Fira Mono
Fira Sans
Fira Sans Condensed
Fira Sans Extra Condensed
Fjalla One
Fjord One
Flamenco
Flavors
Fondamento
Fontdiner Swanky
Forum
Francois One
Frank Ruhl Libre
Freckle Face
Fredericka the Great
Fredoka One
Freehand
Fresca
Frijole
Fruktur
Fugaz One
Gabriela
Gaegu
Gafata
Galada
Galdeano
Galindo
Gamja Flower
Gayathri
Gelasio
Gentium Basic
Gentium Book Basic
Geo
Geostar
Geostar Fill
Germania One
GFS Didot
GFS Neohellenic
Gidugu
Gilda Display
Girassol
Give You Glory
Glass Antiqua
Glegoo
Gloria Hallelujah
Goblin One
Gochi Hand
Gorditas
Gothic A1
Goudy Bookletter 1911
Graduate
Grand Hotel
Gravitas One
Great Vibes
Grenze
Griffy
Gruppo
Gudea
Gugi
Gupter
Gurajada
Habibi
Halant
Hammersmith One
Hanalei
Hanalei Fill
Handlee
Hanuman
Happy Monkey
Harmattan
Headland One
Heebo
Henny Penny
Hepta Slab
Herr Von Muellerhoff
Hi Melody
Hind
Hind Guntur
Hind Madurai
Hind Siliguri
Hind Vadodara
Holtwood One SC
Homemade Apple
Homenaje
Ibarra Real Nova
IBM Plex Mono
IBM Plex Sans
IBM Plex Sans Condensed
IBM Plex Serif
Iceberg
Iceland
IM Fell Double Pica
IM Fell Double Pica SC
IM Fell DW Pica
IM Fell DW Pica SC
IM Fell English
IM Fell English SC
IM Fell French Canon
IM Fell French Canon SC
IM Fell Great Primer
IM Fell Great Primer SC
Imprima
Inconsolata
Inder
Indie Flower
Inika
Inknut Antiqua
Inria Serif
Irish Grover
Istok Web
Italiana
Italianno
Itim
Jacques Francois
Jacques Francois Shadow
Jaldi
Jim Nightshade
Jockey One
Jolly Lodger
Jomhuria
Jomolhari
Josefin Sans
Josefin Slab
Joti One
Jua
Judson
Julee
Julius Sans One
Junge
Jura
Just Another Hand
Just Me Again Down Here
K2D
Kadwa
Kalam
Kameron
Kanit
Kantumruy
Karla
Karma
Katibeh
Kaushan Script
Kavivanar
Kavoon
Kdam Thmor
Keania One
Kelly Slab
Kenia
Khand
Khmer
Khula
Kirang Haerang
Kite One
Knewave
Kodchasan
KoHo
Kosugi
Kosugi Maru
Kotta One
Koulen
Kranky
Kreon
Kristi
Krona One
Krub
Kulim Park
Kumar One
Kumar One Outline
Kurale
La Belle Aurore
Lacquer
Laila
Lakki Reddy
Lalezar
Lancelot
Lateef
Lato
League Script
Leckerli One
Ledger
Lekton
Lemon
Lemonada
Lexend Deca
Lexend Exa
Lexend Giga
Lexend Mega
Lexend Peta
Lexend Tera
Lexend Zetta
Libre Barcode 128
Libre Barcode 128 Text
Libre Barcode 39
Libre Barcode 39 Extended
Libre Barcode 39 Extended Text
Libre Barcode 39 Text
Libre Baskerville
Libre Caslon Display
Libre Caslon Text
Libre Franklin
Life Savers
Lilita One
Lily Script One
Limelight
Linden Hill
Literata
Liu Jian Mao Cao
Livvic
Lobster
Lobster Two
Londrina Outline
Londrina Shadow
Londrina Sketch
Londrina Solid
Long Cang
Lora
Love Ya Like A Sister
Loved by the King
Lovers Quarrel
Luckiest Guy
Lusitana
Lustria
M PLUS 1p
M PLUS Rounded 1c
Ma Shan Zheng
Macondo
Macondo Swash Caps
Mada
Magra
Maiden Orange
Maitree
Major Mono Display
Mako
Mali
Mallanna
Mandali
Manjari
Mansalva
Manuale
Marcellus
Marcellus SC
Marck Script
Margarine
Markazi Text
Marko One
Marmelad
Martel
Martel Sans
Marvel
Mate
Mate SC
Maven Pro
McLaren
Meddon
MedievalSharp
Medula One
Meera Inimai
Megrim
Meie Script
Merienda
Merienda One
Merriweather
Merriweather Sans
Metal
Metal Mania
Metamorphous
Metrophobic
Michroma
Milonga
Miltonian
Miltonian Tattoo
Mina
Miniver
Miriam Libre
Mirza
Miss Fajardose
Mitr
Modak
Modern Antiqua
Mogra
Molengo
Molle
Monda
Monofett
Monoton
Monsieur La Doulaise
Montaga
Montez
Montserrat
Montserrat Alternates
Montserrat Subrayada
Moul
Moulpali
Mountains of Christmas
Mouse Memoirs
Mr Bedfort
Mr Dafoe
Mr De Haviland
Mrs Saint Delafield
Mrs Sheppards
Mukta
Mukta Mahee
Mukta Malar
Mukta Vaani
Muli
Mystery Quest
Nanum Brush Script
Nanum Gothic
Nanum Gothic Coding
Nanum Myeongjo
Nanum Pen Script
Neucha
Neuton
New Rocker
News Cycle
Niconne
Niramit
Nixie One
Nobile
Nokora
Norican
Nosifer
Notable
Nothing You Could Do
Noticia Text
Noto Sans
Noto Sans HK
Noto Sans JP
Noto Sans KR
Noto Sans SC
Noto Sans TC
Noto Serif
Noto Serif JP
Noto Serif KR
Noto Serif SC
Noto Serif TC
Nova Cut
Nova Flat
Nova Mono
Nova Oval
Nova Round
Nova Script
Nova Slim
Nova Square
NTR
Numans
Nunito
Nunito Sans
Odibee Sans
Odor Mean Chey
Offside
Old Standard TT
Oldenburg
Oleo Script
Oleo Script Swash Caps
Open Sans 300
Open Sans
Open Sans 600
Open Sans 800
Open Sans Condensed 300
Oranienbaum
Orbitron
Oregano
Orienta
Original Surfer
Oswald
Over the Rainbow
Overlock
Overlock SC
Overpass
Overpass Mono
Ovo
Oxygen
Oxygen Mono
Pacifico
Padauk
Palanquin
Palanquin Dark
Pangolin
Paprika
Parisienne
Passero One
Passion One
Pathway Gothic One
Patrick Hand
Patrick Hand SC
Pattaya
Patua One
Pavanam
Paytone One
Peddana
Peralta
Permanent Marker
Petit Formal Script
Petrona
Philosopher
Piedra
Pinyon Script
Pirata One
Plaster
Play
Playball
Playfair Display
Playfair Display SC
Podkova
Poiret One
Poller One
Poly
Pompiere
Pontano Sans
Poor Story
Poppins
Port Lligat Sans
Port Lligat Slab
Pragati Narrow
Prata
Preahvihear
Press Start 2P
Pridi
Princess Sofia
Prociono
Prompt
Prosto One
Proza Libre
PT Mono
PT Sans
PT Sans Caption
PT Sans Narrow
PT Serif
PT Serif Caption
Public Sans
Puritan
Purple Purse
Quando
Quantico
Quattrocento
Quattrocento Sans
Questrial
Quicksand
Quintessential
Qwigley
Racing Sans One
Radley
Rajdhani
Rakkas
Raleway
Raleway Dots
Ramabhadra
Ramaraja
Rambla
Rammetto One
Ranchers
Rancho
Ranga
Rasa
Rationale
Ravi Prakash
Red Hat Display
Red Hat Text
Redressed
Reem Kufi
Reenie Beanie
Revalia
Rhodium Libre
Ribeye
Ribeye Marrow
Righteous
Risque
Roboto
Roboto Condensed
Roboto Mono
Roboto Slab
Rochester
Rock Salt
Rokkitt
Romanesco
Ropa Sans
Rosario
Rosarivo
Rouge Script
Rozha One
Rubik
Rubik Mono One
Ruda
Rufina
Ruge Boogie
Ruluko
Rum Raisin
Ruslan Display
Russo One
Ruthie
Rye
Sacramento
Sahitya
Sail
Saira
Saira Condensed
Saira Extra Condensed
Saira Semi Condensed
Saira Stencil One
Salsa
Sanchez
Sancreek
Sansita
Sarabun
Sarala
Sarina
Sarpanch
Satisfy
Sawarabi Gothic
Sawarabi Mincho
Scada
Scheherazade
Schoolbell
Scope One
Seaweed Script
Secular One
Sedgwick Ave
Sedgwick Ave Display
Sevillana
Seymour One
Shadows Into Light
Shadows Into Light Two
Shanti
Share
Share Tech
Share Tech Mono
Shojumaru
Short Stack
Shrikhand
Siemreap
Sigmar One
Signika
Signika Negative
Simonetta
Single Day
Sintony
Sirin Stencil
Six Caps
Skranji
Slabo 13px
Slabo 27px
Slackey
Smokum
Smythe
Sniglet
Snippet
Snowburst One
Sofadi One
Sofia
Solway
Song Myung
Sonsie One
Sorts Mill Goudy
Source Code Pro
Source Sans Pro
Source Serif Pro
Space Mono
Special Elite
Spectral
Spectral SC
Spicy Rice
Spinnaker
Spirax
Squada One
Sree Krushnadevaraya
Sriracha
Srisakdi
Staatliches
Stalemate
Stalinist One
Stardos Stencil
Stint Ultra Condensed
Stint Ultra Expanded
Stoke
Strait
Stylish
Sue Ellen Francisco
Suez One
Sulphur Point
Sumana
Sunflower
Sunshiney
Supermercado One
Sura
Suranna
Suravaram
Suwannaphum
Swanky and Moo Moo
Syncopate
Tajawal
Tangerine
Taprom
Tauri
Taviraj
Teko
Telex
Tenali Ramakrishna
Tenor Sans
Text Me One
Thasadith
The Girl Next Door
Tienne
Tillana
Timmana
Tinos
Titan One
Titillium Web
Tomorrow
Trade Winds
Trirong
Trocchi
Trochut
Trykker
Tulpen One
Turret Road
Ubuntu
Ubuntu Condensed
Ubuntu Mono
Ultra
Uncial Antiqua
Underdog
Unica One
UnifrakturCook
UnifrakturMaguntia
Unkempt
Unlock
Unna
Vampiro One
Varela
Varela Round
Vast Shadow
Vesper Libre
Vibes
Vibur
Vidaloka
Viga
Voces
Volkhov
Vollkorn
Vollkorn SC
Voltaire
VT323
Waiting for the Sunrise
Wallpoet
Walter Turncoat
Warnes
Wellfleet
Wendy One
Wire One
Work Sans
Yanone Kaffeesatz
Yantramanav
Yatra One
Yellowtail
Yeon Sung
Yeseva One
Yesteryear
Yrsa
ZCOOL KuaiLe
ZCOOL QingKe HuangYou
ZCOOL XiaoWei
Zeyada
Zhi Mang Xing
Zilla Slab
Zilla Slab Highlight
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
Going
Whitened
Teeth
Humor
Instead
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Mitch Hedberg
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
Mitch Hedberg
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
Mitch Hedberg
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
Mitch Hedberg
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Mitch Hedberg
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
Mitch Hedberg
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
Mitch Hedberg
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg