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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
Going
Whitened
Teeth
Humor
Instead

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
Mitch Hedberg
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
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I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
Mitch Hedberg
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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
Mitch Hedberg
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Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!
Mitch Hedberg
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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
Mitch Hedberg
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
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I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
Mitch Hedberg
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
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I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
Mitch Hedberg
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg