Quote

I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Eight
Juggle
Humor
Clerk
Went
Clerks
Funny
Bags
Men
Apples
Store
Bought
Stores

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Mitch Hedberg