Quote

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Like
Funny
Triangle
Hate
Triangles
Tell
Arrows
Two
Thirds
Ends
Direction
Trying
Line
Going
Humor
Way
Lines

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the Donate it to charity slice. I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
Mitch Hedberg