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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Tell
Arrows
Two
Thirds
Ends
Direction
Trying
Line
Going
Humor
Way
Lines
Like
Funny
Triangle
Hate
Triangles

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
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A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg