Quote

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Maybe
Alleviate
Help
Heals
Funny
Arrow
Helping
Arrows
Doe
Heal
Sores
Come
Supposed
Noticeable
Make
Humor
Sore
Like
Cold
Shiny

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
Mitch Hedberg