Quote

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Thinking
Funny
Shirts
Spray
Like
Use
Yeah
Surveillance
Looks
Safe
Wash
Need
Walk
Documents
Needs
Humor
Shop
Fishy
Every
Walks
Shirt
Mitch
Time
Somebody
Shops
Rick
Think
Acting
Hey
Spy

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
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A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
Mitch Hedberg
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
Mitch Hedberg