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You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Money
Humor
Advertisement
Happens
Least
Casinos
Like
Happened
Hamburgers
Winning
Advertisements
Guy
Choke
Show
Advertising
Casino
Funny
False
Choking
Shows
Picture
Hamburger

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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. You might have seen this next comedian at the store, and people would say Hell yes I have!
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I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
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