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I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Mets
Gave
Number
Humor
Numbers
Started
Funny
Actress
Girl
Actresses

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
Mitch Hedberg
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
Mitch Hedberg
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
Mitch Hedberg
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
Mitch Hedberg
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg