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I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
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More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
Mitch Hedberg
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Mitch Hedberg
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
Mitch Hedberg
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Mitch Hedberg
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Mitch Hedberg
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
