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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Throwing
Lonely
Especially
Humor
Funny
Sometimes
Really
Frisbee

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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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You know they call corn-on-the-cob, corn-on-the-cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it Mitch, but then re-attached it, and call it Mitch-all-together.
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