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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Race
Face
Faces
Funny
White
Washed
Thought
Prevail
Even
Teeth

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
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I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Mitch Hedberg
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
Mitch Hedberg
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I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
Mitch Hedberg
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
Mitch Hedberg
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
Mitch Hedberg