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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Kind
Circus
Store
Stores
Humor
Went
Funny
Need
Tent
Needs
Tents

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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
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I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
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One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
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