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I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Causes
Funny
Binoculars
Close
Cause
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
Mitch Hedberg
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
Mitch Hedberg
We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
Mitch Hedberg
My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
Mitch Hedberg
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
Mitch Hedberg
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
