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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Chickens
Fingers
Humor
Hand
Funny
Bigs
Hands
Chicken
Finger

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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
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A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
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I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
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I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
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