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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Time
Close
Humor
Land
Called
Half
Funny
Doe
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
Mitch Hedberg
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
We don't have to fix anything.
Mitch Hedberg
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. You might have seen this next comedian at the store, and people would say Hell yes I have!
Mitch Hedberg
I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
Mitch Hedberg
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
Mitch Hedberg
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
Mitch Hedberg
If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
Mitch Hedberg
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
Mitch Hedberg
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
Mitch Hedberg
