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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Drunk
Clean
Humor
Inside
Vodka
Imagine
Fluid
Funny
Bottle
Really
Cleaning
Would
Bottles
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
Mitch Hedberg
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
