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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Would
Bottles
Drunk
Clean
Humor
Inside
Vodka
Imagine
Fluid
Funny
Bottle
Really
Cleaning
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
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We don't have to fix anything.
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
Mitch Hedberg
