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Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
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More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
Mitch Hedberg
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
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I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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