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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Hurts
Mouth
Mouths
Humor
Hurt
Funny
Germs
Quietly
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
Mitch Hedberg
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, corn-on-the-cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it Mitch, but then re-attached it, and call it Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
Mitch Hedberg
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
