Quote

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Anything
Bowls
Need
Regular
Feel
Productive
Feels
Instant
Needs
Hour
Make
Humor
Hours
Oatmeal
Funny
Bowl

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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