Quote

I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Three
Blow
Bedroom
Wells
Size
Kicks
Well
Yeah
Ass
Thing
Humor
Store
Like
Minutes
Seconds
Becomes
Zero
Mattress
Full
Stores
Mattresses
Funny
Bed
Beds

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A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
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I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
Mitch Hedberg