Quote

I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Full
Stores
Mattresses
Funny
Bed
Beds
Three
Blow
Bedroom
Wells
Size
Kicks
Well
Yeah
Ass
Thing
Humor
Store
Like
Minutes
Seconds
Becomes
Zero
Mattress

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
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I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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