Quote

I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Three
Blow
Bedroom
Wells
Size
Kicks
Well
Yeah
Ass
Thing
Humor
Store
Like
Minutes
Seconds
Becomes
Zero
Mattress
Full
Stores
Mattresses
Funny
Bed
Beds

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg