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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Room
Humor
Rooms
Fans
Funny
Held
Fronts
Tried
Front

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
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We don't have to fix anything.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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