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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Girlfriend
Kitchen
Works
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
Mitch Hedberg
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I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
Mitch Hedberg
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Mitch Hedberg
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Mitch Hedberg
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
Mitch Hedberg
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Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg
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I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
Mitch Hedberg
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
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Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
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The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
Mitch Hedberg
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
Mitch Hedberg
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Mitch Hedberg
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A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
Mitch Hedberg