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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Person
Scared
Time
Soon
Flyers
Humor
Magicians
Gone
Magician
Funny
Toms
Everyone
Regular
Doe
Print
Persons
Disappear
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
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If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
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I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
