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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Gone
Magician
Funny
Toms
Everyone
Regular
Doe
Print
Persons
Disappear
Person
Scared
Time
Soon
Flyers
Humor
Magicians
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
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I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don't have to fix anything.
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
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I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
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They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
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I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
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I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
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You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
Mitch Hedberg
