Quote

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Machines
Months
Airport
Humor
Airports
Hold
Rays
Went
Bags
Funny
Machine
Stuff
Six
Found
Cancer

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Then let's print up some flyers!
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I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.
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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
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You know they call corn-on-the-cob, corn-on-the-cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it Mitch, but then re-attached it, and call it Mitch-all-together.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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