Quote

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Airports
Hold
Rays
Went
Bags
Funny
Machine
Stuff
Six
Found
Cancer
Machines
Months
Airport

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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
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I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
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I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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