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I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Like
Alarm
Alarms
Slowly
Smoke
Humor
Funny
Volt
Home
Battery
Really
Batteries

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
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They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. What time is it, Mitch? Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger. Shi*, I had to be somewhere...
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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
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