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I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Alarms
Slowly
Smoke
Humor
Funny
Volt
Home
Battery
Really
Batteries
Like
Alarm

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My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
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I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
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I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
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I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
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