Quote

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Smoke
Humor
Funny
Volt
Home
Battery
Really
Batteries
Like
Alarm
Alarms
Slowly

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I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
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If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
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The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
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I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, What? So I say it again, and he says, What? Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, That tree is far away!
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
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A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
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I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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