Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
Mitch Hedberg
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Make
Separation
Teeth
Humor
Funny
Wish
Flossing
Hate
Separations
Didn
Curvy
Long
Tooth
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Mitch Hedberg
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
Mitch Hedberg
Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
Mitch Hedberg
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
Mitch Hedberg
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. You might have seen this next comedian at the store, and people would say Hell yes I have!
Mitch Hedberg
I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
Mitch Hedberg
