Quote

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Grows
Ants
Funny
Farm
Didn
Farms
Anything
Hey
Look
Plus
Snowman
Looks
Legs
Celery
Would
Humor
Tore
Like
Grow
Fellas

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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
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I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
Mitch Hedberg