Quote

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Look
Plus
Snowman
Looks
Legs
Celery
Would
Humor
Tore
Like
Grow
Fellas
Grows
Ants
Funny
Farm
Didn
Farms
Anything
Hey

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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
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I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
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I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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