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I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Anything
Hey
Look
Plus
Snowman
Looks
Legs
Celery
Would
Humor
Tore
Like
Grow
Fellas
Grows
Ants
Funny
Farm
Didn
Farms
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I'll say, Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.
Mitch Hedberg
Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Mitch Hedberg
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
