Quote

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Good
Reach
Citrus
Time
News
Buoyancy
Drink
Lime
Humor
Limes
Funny
Float
Next
Floats
Look
Boat
Looks
Saved

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
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Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
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When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Mitch Hedberg
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Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
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I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
Mitch Hedberg