Quote

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Time
News
Buoyancy
Drink
Lime
Humor
Limes
Funny
Float
Next
Floats
Look
Boat
Looks
Saved
Good
Reach
Citrus

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I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash? Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!
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I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
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I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
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I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
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Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
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Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
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