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I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Houses
Supposed
Paper
Humor
Funny
House
Two
Route
Kids
Routes

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
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I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.
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I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
Mitch Hedberg
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I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
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2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Mitch Hedberg
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Mitch Hedberg
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
Mitch Hedberg
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I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Mitch Hedberg
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Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg