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One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Accident
Forced
Accidents
Doctors
Humor
Sports
Funny
Time
Herpes
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We don't have to fix anything.
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I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
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My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.
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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
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I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
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I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
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I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
