Quote

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Says
Screwed
Funny
Tastes
Wells
Diet
Well
Commercial
Like
Regular
Diets
Taste
Pepper
Humor
Peppers

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race we will prevail!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
Mitch Hedberg
Image
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg