Quote

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Humor
Funny
Bigs
Real
Make
Vending
Machine
Sells
Machines

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I went to the store and bought eight apples the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.
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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky - I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
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They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Mitch Hedberg
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I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
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I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
Mitch Hedberg
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I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop!
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
Mitch Hedberg
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg