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I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Machine
Sells
Machines
Humor
Funny
Bigs
Real
Make
Vending

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
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Then let's print up some flyers!
Mitch Hedberg
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My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.
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I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, you'll have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Mitch Hedberg
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg
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My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg
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I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, Don't even worry about snakes anymore. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, Lay down!
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