Quote

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Never
Crazy
Takes
Guy
Straws
Funny
Sane
Lost
Mouth
Place
Straight
Going
Mouths
Mind
Humor

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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
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I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
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I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
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My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
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I got an ant farm them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. Tom's gone! Is he a magician? No. Then let's print up some flyers!
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
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A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
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I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
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I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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