Quote

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Straight
Place
Mouths
Going
Humor
Mind
Crazy
Never
Takes
Straws
Guy
Sane
Funny
Mouth
Lost

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
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Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
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You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.
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My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
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When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg