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You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Takes
Guy
Straws
Funny
Sane
Lost
Mouth
Place
Straight
Going
Mouths
Mind
Humor
Never
Crazy
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch Hedberg
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. Sir, you forgot this. No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
Mitch Hedberg
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said, How many of you feel like animals? The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
Mitch Hedberg
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Mitch Hedberg
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
Mitch Hedberg
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
Mitch Hedberg
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Mitch Hedberg
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!
Mitch Hedberg
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
Mitch Hedberg