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They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Tried
Humor
Sprite
Funny
Lime
Home
Limes
Make
Lemon
Lemons
Recipe
Recipes

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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
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Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, That's wrong!, you say, No, it ain't. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
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I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying no. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I went to a tent store. What kind of tent do you need? Circus.
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
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Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, I can't knit, get this away from me!
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.
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If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
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A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!
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I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg