Quote

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Numbers
Older
Call
Fronts
Sound
Tried
Funny
Front
Desk
Woman
Gave
Desks
Girl
Number
Answered
Works
Zero
Humor
Mets

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!
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As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
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Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing those cookies to my friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
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A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
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This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg