Quote

I like to wear a Do Not Disturb sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. Read the sign, punk!

Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Around
Sign
Littles
Jokes
Doin
Little
Wear
Disturb
Like
Humor
Knock
Read
Neck
Funny
Necks
Tell
Punk
Kids
Hey

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.
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I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
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I did a radio interview the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
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I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
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I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
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I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
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I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
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I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
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If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
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Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this. Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. Think like a cactus!
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.
Mitch Hedberg