Quote

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.

Mitch Hedberg

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Like
Behinds
Behind
Cigars
Humor
Cigar
Boys
Counter
Went
Answered
Funny
Store
Kind
Stores
Men
Asked

More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Image
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. You sound older!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. You might have seen this next comedian at the store, and people would say Hell yes I have!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Mitch Hedberg
Image
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch Hedberg