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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Funny
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Stores
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Cigars
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More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
Mitch Hedberg
I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.
Mitch Hedberg
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.
Mitch Hedberg
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.
Mitch Hedberg
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey - maybe a killer is after you!
Mitch Hedberg
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
Mitch Hedberg
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
Mitch Hedberg
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
Mitch Hedberg
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
Mitch Hedberg
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned? Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!
Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
Mitch Hedberg
