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A lot of bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary. We weren't that intense, we called ourselves Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg
Age: 37 †
Born: 1968
Born: February 24
Died: 2005
Died: March 29
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
St Paul
Minnesota
Mitchell Lee Hedberg
Mitch Lee Hedberg
Mitchell Hedberg
Called
Shops
Mortuary
Names
Weren
Mortis
Funny
Intense
Pawn
Like
Later
Rigor
Walking
Pawns
Band
Injured
Humor
Shop
Changed
Bands
More quotes by Mitch Hedberg
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
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Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
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I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.
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I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
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My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
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I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
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They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg
My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.
Mitch Hedberg
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
Mitch Hedberg
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.
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I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.
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This shirt is dry-clean only... Which means it's dirty.
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If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg